Comedy1981–1991ITV1

The Best Episodes of Never the Twain

Every episode of Never the Twain ranked from best to worst. Let's dive into the Best Episodes of Never the Twain!

Best episode
S1E2 Of Meissen Men
7.527 votes
Worst episode
S8E2 Nursery Times
4.715 votes
Top season
Season 1
7.2avg
Binge time
1d 3h
67 episodes
BestEpisodes
WorstEpisodes
BestSeasons
AllEpisodes

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Episode Rankings

  1. #1 Fan Favorite
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    Never the Twain Season 1 Episode 2 - Of Meissen Men
    7.5/10(27 votes)

    S1:E2

    Reading that a widow called Veronica Barton is selling her late husband's Meissen collection, both Simon and Oliver, pretending to be private collectors, visit, hoping for a knock-down bargain. Discovering that she's an attractive middle-aged woman, they compete for her affections as well as the porcelain but when she discovers their true intentions, she gets her revenge at a smart restaurant.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  2. Never the Twain Season 1 Episode 3 - A Night at the Opera
    7.4/10(30 votes)

    S1:E3

    Veronica tells Simon and Oliver that she has a spare ticket for the opera in Edinburgh but neither are initially interested - until Oliver poaches Simon's daily help, Mrs Grieves, and Simon decides to be Veronica's escort out of spite.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  3. Never the Twain Season 1 Episode 6 - Father of the Groom
    7.4/10(28 votes)

    S1:E6

    Simon throws a dinner party for the Smallbridges where inevitably Lyn and David try to keep peace. After the meal, the fathers play cards but Oliver is offended when Simon accuses him of cheating and storms out. Lyn and David get married and, overcome by emotion, Oliver and Simon make up - and decide to play cards again.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  4. Never the Twain Season 4 Episode 2 - The Royal Connection
    7.4/10(21 votes)

    S4:E2

    Learning that Prince Charles collects Victoriana, Oliver sends him a gift, hoping to secure his patronage. When Simon finds out, he fakes a letter of thanks, though Oliver knows it is a fraud. Sadly, the parcel is returned as its contents are broken. To get revenge on Simon, Oliver takes advantage of the fact that Simon is tracing his family tree and leads him to believe that he is of royal descent.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:Vince Powell

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  5. Never the Twain Season 2 Episode 4 - Blood Brothers
    7.2/10(24 votes)

    S2:E4

    Whilst visiting Oliver, Simon has a fall and is rushed to hospital. Having the same blood group, a very reluctant Oliver agrees to donate for a necessary transfusion. Made to feel grateful by David, Simon agrees to stop seeing Veronica and lend Oliver his car so that he can date her. However when Simon learns what really happened at hospital, he plans his revenge.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  6. Never the Twain Season 1 Episode 1 - Families at War
    7.1/10(29 votes)

    S1:E1

    Antique dealers Oliver Smallbridge and Simon Peel were once partners until Oliver had an affair with Simon's wife. Now bitter rivals - and next-door neighbours, they're constantly trying to sabotage one another. Oliver's daughter, riding instructress Lyn, and Simon's son, David, a trainee accountant, are in love and want to wed. The two fathers hold a temporary truce to oppose the plan - until Lyn falsely claims that she's pregnant.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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    The 20 WORST Episodes of Never the Twain

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  7. Never the Twain Season 2 Episode 5 - lf You Knew Susan
    7.1/10(24 votes)

    S2:E5

    Simon's unpretentious younger sister Susan comes to stay and Simon is perturbed that she likes Oliver and starts going out with him. He offers Oliver a bribe to stop the relationship, unaware that Oliver has learned that Susan only wants to be friends as she has contacted her former boyfriend and has accepted it. Oliver uses Simon's ignorance to obtain a coveted figurine at a bargain, though neither intended that they would end up in a restaurant being romantically serenaded.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  8. Never the Twain Season 4 Episode 3 - Words and Music
    7.1/10(21 votes)

    S4:E3

    Oliver's vet Caroline wants him to sing at her upcoming charity event. Not to be outdone, Simon plans to give a dramatic recitation, but when each threatens to withdraw if the other goes on last, she drops both and goes with Ringo, who does impressions. This is enough for them both to come back on side, but on the big night, Simon loses his voice and Oliver's singing sets the dogs off barking in chorus.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:John Kane

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  9. Never the Twain Season 1 Episode 5 - Nothing But the Truth
    6.9/10(26 votes)

    S1:E5

    Lyn and David vow that they will never lie to each other. Their fathers are sceptical - and gleeful when Lyn breaks off the engagement after David has admitted to a drunken kiss with another girl at a party. Now neither of them will need to pretend to be friends for their children's sake. However the young couple are so miserable that eventually Simon and Oliver combine to reunite them.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  10. Never the Twain Season 2 Episode 2 - As Young As You Feel
    6.9/10(23 votes)

    S2:E2

    When he complains that she's spending too much time looking after her father who is exploiting her goodwill, Lyn agrees to accompany David to a rock concert, rather than help Oliver celebrate his birthday.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  11. Never the Twain Season 2 Episode 6 - The More We Are Together
    6.9/10(23 votes)

    S2:E6

    When David does Oliver's accounts, he discovers that Oliver hasn't been entirely honest about his profits. The tax inspector calls whilst Oliver is out so Oliver reckons that if he and Simon go back into partnership, Simon will have to pay half the tax.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  12. Never the Twain Season 5 Episode 3 - Thicker Than Water
    6.9/10(20 votes)

    S5:E3

    Whilst drinking in the pub with Oliver, Simon reveals that he's adopted, having been abandoned at an orphanage as a baby. Circumstances lead him to believe that his natural parents may be Charlie Crapper, a drunken petty thief, and his wife Lil, who sells papers on the street. He meets with them to break the news but fortunately they know something he does not.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:Vince Powell

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  13. Never the Twain Season 5 Episode 6 - Definitely Not Cricket!
    6.9/10(19 votes)

    S5:E6

    Lady Devereaux offers Simon some sporting memorabilia at knock-down prices provided he captains her staff cricket team against the rival side led by parvenu bookie Bernie Miller.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:John Kane

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  14. Never the Twain Season 5 Episode 4 - Kung Who?
    6.9/10(18 votes)

    S5:E4

    Simon takes up judo to defend himself against likely muggers and invites Oliver to accompany him to his class at the gym.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:Vince Powell

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  15. Never the Twain Season 3 Episode 6 - Not on the Same Wavelength
    6.9/10(17 votes)

    S3:E6

    The dealers are invited onto local radio to talk antiques but, since the producer is in his golf club, only Simon is asked. With Lyn knitting baby clothes for a friend, the fathers assume she's pregnant, and are overjoyed, calling a truce with Simon, making sure Oliver gets on the radio show with him. Only on air is it discovered that Lyn is not pregnant, which leads to a quarrel.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Dick Hills

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  16. Never the Twain Season 1 Episode 4 - A Matched Pair
    6.8/10(25 votes)

    S1:E4

    Not only is Oliver's golf club membership refused but his shop is burgled. However, the duelling pistols that he reports as stolen were only borrowed by his dim assistant Rocky so, to prevent complications, Rocky dumps them in Simon's shop. Initially amused by Oliver's misfortune, Simon is appalled when he gets charged with receiving stolen goods. Oliver comes forward to let him off the hook - provided he will endorse Oliver's golf club membership application.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  17. Never the Twain Season 3 Episode 3 - A Nose for Quality
    6.8/10(21 votes)

    S3:E3

    Imperious Lady Devereaux calls in on Simon whilst in the next door shop, elderly Mrs Piggit offers Oliver pieces for sale but seeing the Rolls parked outside, Oliver wrongly assumes that she is the aristocrat.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:John Kane

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  18. Never the Twain Season 3 Episode 5 - The Welsh Connection
    6.8/10(17 votes)

    S3:E5

    When Lyn and David opine that their overweight fathers should go on a diet, the two men join forces to resist and eat the most unhealthy in order to relax and enjoy life.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Peter Tilbury

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  19. Never the Twain Season 5 Episode 1 - In Whom We Tryst
    6.8/10(17 votes)

    S5:E1

    Simon and Oliver are both smitten by Simon's glamourous new assistant Belinda and are pleasantly surprised when she reveals - separately - that she'll spend a weekend away with them. Both turn up at the tryst at an hotel, unaware that it's a ploy to get them away whilst she and her boyfriend are robbing their shops.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:John Kane

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  20. Never the Twain Season 5 Episode 2 - Going, Going, Gone!
    6.8/10(17 votes)

    S5:E2

    The two dealers plan - separately - to spend a night at a country pub and are surprised to meet there, especially as they have to share a bed in the sole guest room. Each is hoping to beat the other in a bid for a grandfather clock at a nearby action but, after Oliver has been locked out for the night in his pyjamas, their bickering means that neither ends up with the clock.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:Vince Powell

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  21. Never the Twain Season 2 Episode 1 - Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?
    6.7/10(24 votes)

    S2:E1

    Whilst Lyn and David are on their honeymoon, Oliver has a double bed delivered to the rooms they occupy in Simon's house. Simon, however, has the same idea and two beds now take up a lot of space.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Johnnie Mortimer

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  22. Never the Twain Season 4 Episode 4 - No Flame Like an Old Flame
    6.7/10(19 votes)

    S4:E4

    Simon gets a visit from his first love, Janis Hunter, now a very wealthy widow. The promise of money leads him to propose and she accepts but there's a price to pay as she bans him from substances and puts him on a vegetarian diet. Simon begins to regret the proposal and calls on Oliver to help get him off the hook.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:Vince Powell

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  23. Never the Twain Season 4 Episode 5 - Love's Neighbours' Lost
    6.7/10(19 votes)

    S4:E5

    The lads both believe they stand a chance with Caroline and, after sabotaging each others' cars in order to take her on her rounds when her own motor is off the road, they decide on a duel. Caroline is horrified but so are her would-be suitors when she introduces them to her fiancé, Leslie.

    Director:Robert Reed
    Writer:Dick Hills

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  24. Never the Twain Season 10 Episode 2 - S.W.A.L.K.
    6.8/10(12 votes)

    S10:E2

    Simon has a female pen-pal who he is looking forward to meeting, with a view to marriage. However, the reality is different.

    Director:Nick Hurran
    Writer:Vince Powell

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  25. Never the Twain Season 3 Episode 4 - The End of the Line
    6.7/10(17 votes)

    S3:E4

    Simon and Oliver are concerned when Lyn and David claim that they don't want children, David pretending to have had a vasectomy to put them off the scent. Simon and Oliver both sign up to a dating agency and are told to meet their blind dates in a bar.

    Director:Peter Frazer-Jones
    Writer:Vince Powell

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Best Episodes Summary

"Of Meissen Men" is the best rated episode of Never the Twain. It scored 7.5/10 from 27 votes. Directed by Peter Frazer-Jones and written by Johnnie Mortimer, it aired on September 14, 1981. This episode scored 0.1 points higher than the second highest rated, "A Night at the Opera".

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