Antique dealers Oliver Smallbridge and Simon Peel were once partners until Oliver had an affair with Simon's wife. Now bitter rivals - and next-door neighbours, they're constantly trying to sabotage one another. Oliver's daughter, riding instructress Lyn, and Simon's son, David, a trainee accountant, are in love and want to wed. The two fathers hold a temporary truce to oppose the plan - until Lyn falsely claims that she's pregnant.

Families at War

Reading that a widow called Veronica Barton is selling her late husband's Meissen collection, both Simon and Oliver, pretending to be private collectors, visit, hoping for a knock-down bargain. Discovering that she's an attractive middle-aged woman, they compete for her affections as well as the porcelain but when she discovers their true intentions, she gets her revenge at a smart restaurant.

Of Meissen Men

Veronica tells Simon and Oliver that she has a spare ticket for the opera in Edinburgh but neither are initially interested - until Oliver poaches Simon's daily help, Mrs Grieves, and Simon decides to be Veronica's escort out of spite.

A Night at the Opera

Not only is Oliver's golf club membership refused but his shop is burgled. However, the duelling pistols that he reports as stolen were only borrowed by his dim assistant Rocky so, to prevent complications, Rocky dumps them in Simon's shop. Initially amused by Oliver's misfortune, Simon is appalled when he gets charged with receiving stolen goods. Oliver comes forward to let him off the hook - provided he will endorse Oliver's golf club membership application.

A Matched Pair

Lyn and David vow that they will never lie to each other. Their fathers are sceptical - and gleeful when Lyn breaks off the engagement after David has admitted to a drunken kiss with another girl at a party. Now neither of them will need to pretend to be friends for their children's sake. However the young couple are so miserable that eventually Simon and Oliver combine to reunite them.

Nothing But the Truth

Simon throws a dinner party for the Smallbridges where inevitably Lyn and David try to keep peace. After the meal, the fathers play cards but Oliver is offended when Simon accuses him of cheating and storms out. Lyn and David get married and, overcome by emotion, Oliver and Simon make up - and decide to play cards again.

Father of the Groom

Whilst Lyn and David are on their honeymoon, Oliver has a double bed delivered to the rooms they occupy in Simon's house. Simon, however, has the same idea and two beds now take up a lot of space.

Who's Been Sleeping in My Bed?

When he complains that she's spending too much time looking after her father who is exploiting her goodwill, Lyn agrees to accompany David to a rock concert, rather than help Oliver celebrate his birthday.

As Young As You Feel

When Lyn gets a promotion and pay rise at work, David feels inferior and forbids her to take it. They argue and she moves back in with Oliver, who finds her attentions stifling, so he and Simon collude to get the pair back together again. Banks also finds Oliver a housekeeper - his girlfriend, the accident-prone Mrs Sadler.

A Woman's Place...

Whilst visiting Oliver, Simon has a fall and is rushed to hospital. Having the same blood group, a very reluctant Oliver agrees to donate for a necessary transfusion. Made to feel grateful by David, Simon agrees to stop seeing Veronica and lend Oliver his car so that he can date her. However when Simon learns what really happened at hospital, he plans his revenge.

Blood Brothers

Simon's unpretentious younger sister Susan comes to stay and Simon is perturbed that she likes Oliver and starts going out with him. He offers Oliver a bribe to stop the relationship, unaware that Oliver has learned that Susan only wants to be friends as she has contacted her former boyfriend and has accepted it. Oliver uses Simon's ignorance to obtain a coveted figurine at a bargain, though neither intended that they would end up in a restaurant being romantically serenaded.

lf You Knew Susan

When David does Oliver's accounts, he discovers that Oliver hasn't been entirely honest about his profits. The tax inspector calls whilst Oliver is out so Oliver reckons that if he and Simon go back into partnership, Simon will have to pay half the tax.

The More We Are Together

Now that they're partners again, Oliver and Simon spend a day stock-taking and disparaging each other's items. Oliver is delighted when Bethan, an old school friend, comes into the shop to sell an antique watch. For old times' sake, Oliver pays her over the odds, later to learn from Simon that she is a con artist - after Oliver has parted with cash half of which now belongs to Simon.

Taking Stock

Simon is approached by Mr Wilde, a health food company rep, who wants to buy the shop for its premises and the offer is tempting. Oliver, meanwhile, wrongly believes that Ringo has won the pools and considers asking him to buy into the partnership to replace Simon.

Partners

Imperious Lady Devereaux calls in on Simon whilst in the next door shop, elderly Mrs Piggit offers Oliver pieces for sale but seeing the Rolls parked outside, Oliver wrongly assumes that she is the aristocrat.

A Nose for Quality

Simon and Oliver are concerned when Lyn and David claim that they don't want children, David pretending to have had a vasectomy to put them off the scent. Simon and Oliver both sign up to a dating agency and are told to meet their blind dates in a bar.

The End of the Line

When Lyn and David opine that their overweight fathers should go on a diet, the two men join forces to resist and eat the most unhealthy in order to relax and enjoy life.

The Welsh Connection

The dealers are invited onto local radio to talk antiques but, since the producer is in his golf club, only Simon is asked. With Lyn knitting baby clothes for a friend, the fathers assume she's pregnant, and are overjoyed, calling a truce with Simon, making sure Oliver gets on the radio show with him. Only on air is it discovered that Lyn is not pregnant, which leads to a quarrel.

Not on the Same Wavelength

With Lyn and David now in Vancouver where he's working, their flat in Simon's house is empty. His formidable aunt Eleanor rings but, fearing that she wants to move in, he offers it to old school friend Alex - though he throws him out when he realises Alex wants it for an illicit love nest with his secretary.

A Home of Your Own

Learning that Prince Charles collects Victoriana, Oliver sends him a gift, hoping to secure his patronage. When Simon finds out, he fakes a letter of thanks, though Oliver knows it is a fraud. Sadly, the parcel is returned as its contents are broken. To get revenge on Simon, Oliver takes advantage of the fact that Simon is tracing his family tree and leads him to believe that he is of royal descent.

The Royal Connection

Oliver's vet Caroline wants him to sing at her upcoming charity event. Not to be outdone, Simon plans to give a dramatic recitation, but when each threatens to withdraw if the other goes on last, she drops both and goes with Ringo, who does impressions. This is enough for them both to come back on side, but on the big night, Simon loses his voice and Oliver's singing sets the dogs off barking in chorus.

Words and Music

Simon gets a visit from his first love, Janis Hunter, now a very wealthy widow. The promise of money leads him to propose and she accepts but there's a price to pay as she bans him from substances and puts him on a vegetarian diet. Simon begins to regret the proposal and calls on Oliver to help get him off the hook.

No Flame Like an Old Flame

The lads both believe they stand a chance with Caroline and, after sabotaging each others' cars in order to take her on her rounds when her own motor is off the road, they decide on a duel. Caroline is horrified but so are her would-be suitors when she introduces them to her fiancé, Leslie.

Love's Neighbours' Lost

Following a recent spate of shop burglaries Simon installs a state of the art alarm system but when he forgets his passport breaks into the shop and sets it off, leading to his and Oliver's arrest.

Come Fly with Me!

Simon and Oliver are both smitten by Simon's glamourous new assistant Belinda and are pleasantly surprised when she reveals - separately - that she'll spend a weekend away with them. Both turn up at the tryst at an hotel, unaware that it's a ploy to get them away whilst she and her boyfriend are robbing their shops.

In Whom We Tryst

The two dealers plan - separately - to spend a night at a country pub and are surprised to meet there, especially as they have to share a bed in the sole guest room. Each is hoping to beat the other in a bid for a grandfather clock at a nearby action but, after Oliver has been locked out for the night in his pyjamas, their bickering means that neither ends up with the clock.

Going, Going, Gone!

Whilst drinking in the pub with Oliver, Simon reveals that he's adopted, having been abandoned at an orphanage as a baby. Circumstances lead him to believe that his natural parents may be Charlie Crapper, a drunken petty thief, and his wife Lil, who sells papers on the street. He meets with them to break the news but fortunately they know something he does not.

Thicker Than Water

Simon takes up judo to defend himself against likely muggers and invites Oliver to accompany him to his class at the gym.

Kung Who?

Simon is aghast to learn that oily solicitor Brimley, with whom he was at school, is handling the property next to the antique shops and plans to sell it to a fast food chain in return for an expensive car.

Reading Between the Lines

Lady Devereaux offers Simon some sporting memorabilia at knock-down prices provided he captains her staff cricket team against the rival side led by parvenu bookie Bernie Miller.

Definitely Not Cricket!

Simon has a cold and Oliver offers to look after him.

Feed a Cold

Ringo decides to get some culture. After meeting one of his teachers, Simon and Oliver are pleased to accept his invitation to dinner and Simon makes a discovery in the kitchen cupboard.

Going to Pot

Oliver has fallen in love, however trouble arises after he meets his future mother-in-law.

Love ls a Many Splendoured Thing

Burglars are in the neighbourhood, leading to an eventful night for the two households.

A Night to Remember

Lady Deveraux asks Simon and Oliver to take part in a historical re-enactment of a Civil War battle, the battle of Deveraux Dale, at the village fete. On the opposing side is the bookie, Bernie Miller, who has a score to settle.

The Battle of Deveraux Dale

Simon's ex-wife Stephanie arrives unexpectedly.

Affair of the Heart

A legal dispute arises between the two antique dealers following an incident in Oliver's shop.

Settled Out of Court

Oliver and Simon decide to have a wager on who can make the most profit on an item chosen by the other.

The Wagers of Sin

After a boozy night out, Banks remembers that he has proposed to Mrs Sadler. However, neither wants to go through with it, although they don't know that.

Betrothed, Bothered and Bewildered

Mrs Sadler is missing Banks. Fortunately, there is a happy ending for both of them.

The Second Time Around

Gardening Time. Oliver has something to show from his gardening efforts.

Born to Blush Unseen

Simon & Oliver get severely drunk on Simon's birthday, and decide to visit their children in Canada.

Fasten Your Seat Belts

Lyn and David, with their baby Martin, return from Canada, causing great excitement to Simon and Oliver. However, the grandfathers have to learn to cope with the baby more than they had anticipated.

Grandfathers-In-Law

Lyn and David are looking for a flat while staying at Simon's house. But Oliver would like them to stay with him too.

Nursery Times

The christening is scheduled and Stephanie, Simon's ex, is invited, causing anxiety for both Simon and Oliver.

Whose Baby?

Simon has to go into hospital but confusion arises.

Never Say Die

The house-hunting by Lyn and David reaches a conclusion. It causes Simon and Oliver to think about their own situation.

Moving On

Lyn and David move to their new flat. Oliver and Simon decide to help them by redecorating the flat.

It's a Long Way to Friern Barnet

A series of mishaps contribute to a difficult day for Simon and, especially, Oliver.

Just the Ticket

Simon advertises for an assistant for his shop but runs into trouble after interviewing one applicant.

A Point of Honour

Simon is feeling melancholic and decides to make a big change to his life.

A New Lease of Life

Simon arouses Oliver's suspicions and, in turn, Oliver is the subject of a rumour. These lead to gossip in the village.

Aspects of Love

Simon holds a meeting of the Residents' Association. There is a new resident who is about to move in and this leads to a sleepless night for both Simon and Oliver.

Neighbours

Off to Paris but soon they are in trouble at the restaurant and with the police, also causing a lot of trouble to an embassy official.

Bonjour Paris!

Christmas time. Simon and Oliver volunteer to keep watch overnight in the local church.

A Winter's Tale

Oliver and Simon both decide to stand for election to the local Council.

X Marks the Spot

Simon has a female pen-pal who he is looking forward to meeting, with a view to marriage. However, the reality is different.

S.W.A.L.K.

Both Oliver and Simon are doing the pools and hope to win big. After Oliver makes a mistake, Simon takes the opportunity to have some fun.

Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

A weekend away for Simon and Oliver in Ringo's mother's country cottage. Trouble is that it's the wrong weekend.

Happy Holiday

Simon comes across an old acquaintance who is down on their luck.

There But for the Grace of God

The vicar wants to sell his car and gets Simon to help, while Oliver is also selling his car. A confusing time is the result.

A Car By Any Other Name

Ringo wins a holiday in a competition and they all go to Spain.

Viva Espana!

It is the 10th anniversary of the two antique dealers being in business; they decide to go out to have a meal and visit the theatre. But they encounter some difficulties.

The Best Laid Plans

Simon is searching for the meaning of life and thinks he has found it after listening to a preacher in the park. Oliver, however, sees a business opportunity.

Born Again

Aunt Eleanor decides to get married after a whirlwind romance.

There Goes the Bride

Both Simon and Oliver are in financial difficulties and decide to approach their bank manager.

Two Fools and Their Money

Oliver tells Simon about a bargain in a shop, which leads to extraordinary efforts by the two to be first in the queue to buy it. Guest starring Diana Mahoney, real-life wife of Donald Sinden.

The First of the Queue

Simon Peel and Oliver Smallbridge are former business partners turned bitter rival antique dealers whose shops and homes are right next door to each other. Their rivalry stems partly from Oliver having an affair with Simon's wife, but now tensions are escalating as Oliver's daughter, Lyn, has fallen in love with Simon's son, David, and plan to marry.

All Episodes of Never the Twain

Season 1

Families at War

Season 1 Episode 1 - Aired 9/7/1981

Of Meissen Men

Season 1 Episode 2 - Aired 9/14/1981

A Night at the Opera

Season 1 Episode 3 - Aired 9/21/1981

A Matched Pair

Season 1 Episode 4 - Aired 9/28/1981

Nothing But the Truth

Season 1 Episode 5 - Aired 10/5/1981

Father of the Groom

Season 1 Episode 6 - Aired 10/19/1981