After spending her life savings to record a single, Sara Joy quits her job to pursue a full-time singing career. When Madame rebukes her rash decision, her discouraged niece packs her bags and heads home to Georgia -- until Bernadette hears the record, which prompts Madame to introduce Sara Joy on her show.

But Please, No Jokes

Wayland Flowers

Judy Landers

Johnny Haymer

Susan Tolsky

Brad Lachman

Paul Miller

Bob Sand

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Madame prepares for the latest taping of her syndicated TV talk show. At the end of this hectic day, Madame's niece Sara Joy arrives from their native Georgia, determined to crack show business and requesting that her aunt put her up until she does.

#001

Sara Joy begins pounding the pavement in Hollywood; After being sawed in half by the world's most incompetent magician, Madame finds herself the surprise honoree on "This Is Your Life."

This is Her Past

A neighborhood boy whom Madame once babysat returns to visit her, but he has grown into a popular television evangelist. He tries to save Madame's soul while she tries to get him back in the bathtub.

#003

Bernadette books a ladies Dixie band on the show without Madame's approval; Buzz and Sara Joy submit Pinkerton's diary for publication, which divulges his long-ago affair with Madame. When the book sells, Pinkerton is torn between the generous cash advance and his loyalty to Madame.

#004

A rash of robberies in the neighborhood leads Madame to install a home security system. Unfortunately, as she's testing it out, a metal cage descends upon her from above and locks her in -- fifteen minutes before she's due on stage.

#005

No sooner does Solaria, a psychic, predict that Madame is fated to have a baby than a bundle of joy is found on the doorstep of the mansion.

#006

It's dueling divas when guest star Debbie Reynolds does a life-sized impression of Madame on the show; Sara Joy admits that the baby found on Madame's doorstep is hers, and the need to earn money leads her to accept a role in a pornographic film.

#007

Madame and Bernadette have a falling out after Solaria conducts a seance to make contact with Bernadette's deceased husband; Sara Joy reveals that she is not the true mother of the infant found on Madame's doorstep, and that she has been protecting the baby's real mother, a friend of hers from Dawson, Georgia.

#008

As the standoff between Madame and Bernadette rages on, the household falls into disarray; Sara Joy's friend Patty Sue takes ownership of the infant found on Madame's doorstep and heads back to Dawson, Georgia; on her show, Madame spotlights a Japanese comedienne who does uncanny impressions of Leslie Caron, Hermione Gingold, Katharine Hepburn, Sandra Dee and Shirley Temple.

#009

Madame and Bernadette reconcile, and the household returns to order -- until Madame becomes indisposed, at which point a scramble ensues to find a substitute host for that evening's show. With all of Tinseltown RSVP'd to a party hosted by Sammy Davis, Jr., Madame prepares Bernadette to take center stage.

#010

Concerned over Buzzy's adolescent crush on Sara Joy, Madame intervenes with the boy's self-involved show-biz parents, but her plan backfires when Buzzy runs away; Anthony Newley appears on Madame's show, where the two duet to "The Candy Man."

#011

After winning the Irish Sweepstakes, an eccentric, formerly homeless woman named Cora moves in next door to Madame. When the snooty neighbors protest, Madame goes the Pygmalion route to teach Cora how to behave like a lady of means.

#012

To boost ratings, Madame sponsors an on-air "Marry Madame" contest to find the man who will become her seventh husband; an extremely talkative Charles Nelson Reilly pays a visit to Madame's show, barely letting her get a word in edgewise.

#013

Bernadette, Pinkerton and Sara Joy take an instant dislike to Madame's new fiancé, but when Madame remains blind to his mercenary nature, they conspire to reveal his true colors.

#014

When Madame and con-man Dwayne Kellogg elope to Mexico, Pinkerton, Sara Joy and Bernadette spring into action to stop the wedding before it's too late; the outspoken Mr. Honest fills in for Madame on her show while she's away.

#015

Depressed and behaving erratically in the wake of her ruptured engagement to Dwayne Kellogg, Madame refuses professional help -- until Bernadette engages celebrity psychologist Dr. Joyce Brothers; on her show, Madame introduces comics Fred Willard and Dave Workman.

#016

Dr. Joyce Brothers continues her in-depth analysis of Madame, which reveals a long-standing pattern of choosing the wrong men in her life; Pinkerton comes clean with Madame about his feelings for her, twenty-five years after their breakup.

#017

Against her better judgment, Madame allows a vitriolic reporter to follow her with a camera for a TV expose that completely misrepresents her; inebriated comic Foster Brooks unexpectedly wanders onto the stage of Madame's show.

#018

A famous Italian director asks Madame to appear in his latest film, which leads her to question staying in television; Madame spars with guest star Betty White on her show.

#019

Tab Hunter is interviewed by Madame in her eponymous talk show, and she confuses him with other famous 1950s heartthrob actors and cannot name any of his movies.

#020

Madame's neighbors launch a petition to prevent her from running her show on their street, and Madame finds an unlikely ally in an awkward, introverted inventor.

#021

A dip in Madame's ratings indicates that she has fallen out of touch with the youth market. Feeling past her prime, Madame goes punk and takes part in a youth protest.

#022

Madame decides the only way to recapture her beauty is to undergo cosmetic surgery. She and Pinkerton then concoct a ruse that will allow her recuperation time without anyone discovering what's she's done. In response, the household leaps to the conclusion that Madame is on her deathbed.

#023

Solaria tries to hypnotize Madame out of a debilitating bout of insomnia, which causes Madame to fall into a post-hypnotic trance while interviewing a prominent women's rights activist.

#024

When Barney is fired from "Madame's Place," his replacement is a cutting-edge Canadian producer whose run of controversial, adversarial guests nearly drives Madame off the air.

#025

Madame hosts a reunion for one of the 'Whoopie Girls' from her speakeasy days, but the down-on-her-luck former vaudevillian likes mansion living so much that she shows no signs of leaving; Madame welcomes fellow southerner Toni Tennille to the show, but all of her questions pertain solely to the Captain.

When Madame is chosen Woman of the Year by the Fine Arts Guild, Bernadette and Pinkerton move into damage control mode, as the Guild reserves the right to withdraw the nomination if the recipient behaves in an undignified manner. Once it commences, the award ceremony devolves into a bona fide roast of Madame.

Sara Joy wants Madame to back the production of an esoteric play written by her untalented boyfriend from acting class; glamorous Eva Gabor guest stars on "Madame's Place," resulting in a fashionista duel between the two divas.

#029

A freak snowstorm brings Hollywood to its knees during sweeps week, forcing Madame to put her staff and family to work on that evening's show.

#030

Sara Joy hopes to make the Olympics gymnastics team; Madame's former producer sues her for firing him -- serving her subpoena through a dog act on the air -- but her longtime attorney appears to have entered senility.

#031

Sara Joy promotes the career of a juggling street performer; Madame's trial continues, with the plaintiff threatening blackmail with a videotape from her foray into pornography.

#032

Sara Joy takes the stand on Madame's behalf as the trial draws to a conclusion.

#033

When Sara Joy ends her courtship with a love-'em-and-leave-'em nude artist's model, Solaria sets her up with her nephew, Pee Wee Herman.

#034

Madame is paid a visit by her black sheep cousin Charley -- a man who transforms into Bette Davis whenever he hears the word 'trash.' When vacationing Pinkerton returns to the mansion, he falls for Charley in drag. Guest star: Charles Pierce

#035

Madame's sergeant nephew Lamar is temporarily re-stationed in Los Angeles, where he commandeers the mansion and puts the family through rigorous basic training; Frankie Avalon guest stars on Madame's show, where he shares his secrets for staying youthful.

#036

Madame defies network executives when she hires a handsome but inept new announcer over their more seasoned candidates.

#037

Madame invites her second husband and his new fiancée to lunch, then orders William Shatner off the set of her show when the Canadian actor cannot recite the United States national anthem.

#038

Madame hires a bargain basement interior designer who romances Bernadette to get a commercial deal on Madame's show.

#039

Believing the mansion is haunted, the household hires a local ghostbuster; Madame hosts comedian George Gobel on her show, and the two compete to see who has the worse memory.

#040

Madame continues efforts to banish the ghosts of Groucho and Harpo Marx, whose practical jokes from beyond have the household up in arms; heartthrob John Schneider promotes his latest film and record album on Madame's show.

#041

An old flame of Pinkerton's returns after 22 years to disclose that they have a son together; comedian Dick Shawn appears as a guest on Madame's show.

#042

Two teenagers from the Brooklyn chapter of Madame's fan club steal their way into the mansion -- and then refuse to leave; comedian Marty Allen appears on Madame's show.

#043

Defeated and disillusioned by her inability get a role in a major motion picture, Madame decides to retire, throwing her talk show into disarray.

#044

Pinkerton becomes addicted to a television soap opera; comedian Rip Taylor forces Madame to play straight man to him when he appears on her talk show.

#045

Sara Joy is hypnotized into becoming more assertive, which turns into her a completely different person; Arsenio Hall appears on Madame's show.

#046

When a fan letter berates her physical appearance, Madame hires a makeover consultant who prescribes a complete overhaul; comedian Fred Travalena guest stars on Madame's show.

#047

The household goes to extremes to raise funds when the media reports that Madame is bankrupt; comedian Scatman Crothers guest stars on Madame's talk show.

#048

An extraterrestrial steals into the mansion with the objective of "melding" with Madame so he can bring comedy back to his planet.

#049

A bumbling inspector takes charge after Madame's iconic, life-size portrait is stolen.

#050

While Pinkerton is on vacation, his twin brother, an uncultivated biker named Chopper, drops in to pay his respects. Actor-singer Jerry Reed guest stars.

#051

Madame is audited by the Internal Revenue Service, which becomes sticky when Mr. Honest shows up to throw light on every white lie she tells.

#052

Mr. Honest seeks Madame's help in ferreting out the identity of his secret admirer; comedienne Alice Ghostley visits Madame's show, revealing their long-standing rivalry after decades of competing for the same roles.

#053

Feeling his midlife crunch, Pinkerton accepts an offer to train an up-and-coming female prizefighter. Final episode of series.

His Biggest Dream

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Madame's Place is an American sitcom that featured the misadventures of Madame, a puppet in the form of a bawdy old movie star with a naughty sense of humor.

But Please, No Jokes

Seasons1

Season 1 Episodes75

Cast4

Crew4

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Episode Summary